Hi…My name is Jess. I’m turning sixteen November fourteenth of two thousand thirteen…next month. What do I look like? Ha, sinful. I have short hair that is right before my shoulders that is currently dyed blue but the blue is fading so it has brown, white(I don’t know why), and dark faded blue. I have brown eyes and long eye lashes. I usually wear hoodies and a regular pair of jeans and skater shoes, sometimes rubber boots. I’m into both boys and gals, but, I have the most amazing boyfriend. You have no idea. His name is Jacob<3 he’s a grade older then me but we still see each other in the halls and at lunch. He’s awesome and a total sweetheart. He makes me feel happy and makes me forget all the bad things in our present day life. Just last night we hung out with a few friends, we hung from like 2 until midnight. It was a lot of fun, we mostly cuddled, we watched movies, played video games, kissed a lot, and we had a foot war and bit each others noses and fingers haha were a little random. What made me smile the most though, he counted all my cutting and burning scars, their were 14 cutting scars and 18 burning scars. He starred at me for a moment and then started kissing me peck after peck, after 14 which he counted outloud in between kisses he said, “Every kiss replaces the scars.” and he did the same for the 18 burns. I was legit speechless. I was mouth dropped and starring at him and started tearing up. He cried too, he said it was cause its not fair all the hurt I’ve had in life. I just shook my head, “It could be a lot worse.” I told him.
Do you ever feel like…like, there is just no hope at all? I feel like that a lot. I’ve been a few weeks clean from hurting myself but, I don’t know. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I don’t really tell anyone how I’m falling back to the extremely deep depression. I don’t want to cause worry, and the ones who wouldn’t worry would think I’m begging for attention, or they’d just be convinced I’m going back to the psych center for my fifth time, and so on. Sometimes I wonder, “Am I going to live past 17?” I’m actually very surprised I came this far…On my birthday there’s always at least one person that whispers behind my back, “I’m surprised she hasn’t committed suicide yet….” I hear them all the time, I try not to care. Plus, if I were to let my therapist know they’d put me on even more medication. I take 100 mg of Zoloft and 0.5 mg of Risperdal twice a day and my meds I take only when needed , may not sound like a lot but I also take meds that aren’t related to my mental health so it all adds up and fogs my brain, and makes me tired a lot and gain weight. I used to be on a way higher dose of meds, I think I was on like 175 mg but probably higher then that at one point.
The whole psych center thing really depresses me also, at age 14 I shouldn’t have been away from my family, I shouldn’t have been playing basketball and laying on the grass in a fenced in square area full of therapists, med doctors, nurses, and therapy aids, at 14 I shouldn’t have known what a code orange was, or what PRN meant, I shouldn’t have had to record behaving points and skill building points in order to earn the privilege to pick out my own outfit for the day, I shouldn’t have had only ten minutes a day to talk to my mom, dad, and sister, I shouldn’t had had to spend my Easter morning and Thanksgiving dinner in a psych center. There’s just so, so much more. But, I guess I’m going to get off, I need sleep, I have school tomorrow… Night, and for the ones who need it, stay strong, you made it through last night, you can make it through another. <3